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A Splitting Of The Mind

Title: A Splitting Of The Mind
Author: shoved2agree
Pairing: Frank/Gerard
Rating: R/NC-17
POV: First Person - Gerard
Summary: Gerard Way sees the world differently. Alone and institutionalised, Gerard claims that he is being hunted, and that his mind holds the key to existence. Does Gerard really hold such a powerful secret? Or is he just insane like everyone else in the institution?
Disclaimer: Fake.
Author Notes: Institution!Fic
Beta: My bloody awesome concert buddy jerseydevil1977
Warnings: Mentions of past rape, PTSD, schizophrenia, mental illness, adult themes, swearing, blood, mentions of gun violence, hallucinations, sex, death.

If you want to contact me about anything (popular communication topics include (but are not limited to): asking permission to repost or translate, sharing artwork, telling me i'm fucking awesome, telling me i'm fucking awful, sending me hate, sending me love, telling me to publish, scolding me about my poor grammar, asking me any irrelevant questions, asking me relevant questions, asking me about mental illness/schizophrenia, or just wanting to chat in general). Please email: **removed** I use this email account daily and can guarantee a reply from this address. Contact me in other ways and I can't guarantee i'll see it. Note: this email is still current. I'll remove it when it's no longer current! Sorry, temporarily not accepting emails.

Take a look around and what do I see
It's looking like the whole world's goin just a little crazy
And I know it can't be all of them and just not me
So I guess I'm going just a little crazy

-'Crazy', The John Butler Trio

From the first moment I laid eyes upon him, I decided I liked him. That was saying something, because I don’t much like anyone. I can’t afford to like or trust anyone. Not anymore.

He slunk in one morning, head down, eyes x-raying the floor, shoulders tense and overall trying to look like he didn’t exist. I saw him appear in the doorway and quickly slip into the armchair Magda pointed out to him. He didn’t look around or make a noise or speak. He just sat there, as straight as he could in the sagging cushions of the blue and white striped armchair. He clasped his hands together tightly and placed them carefully on his lap, the thumbs facing the ceiling. A moment later his hands unclasped and one hand flew to his mouth where he began gnawing on a fingernail. Then, as though realising the full extent of his habit, he removed his fingers from his mouth and reclasped his hands back in his lap. Then he began to twiddle his thumbs instead. My eyes drifted away from the distracting hands and to his face. God, he was young. Too young to be in a place like this. He must be pretty fucked up. His face was pale, like it had been cast in moonlight. I twisted my head to check his eyes. His face may have looked like moonlight, but there were definitely no stars in his eyes. They were hazel, I could tell. I couldn’t see. But I didn’t need to see. I just knew. He had the whole ‘poor baby’ thing going too, but, to his credit, he wasn’t exploiting it. On my first days I would’ve killed to have the “poor little victim baby” thing going.

A shout of laughter rippled through the room and he jumped. Scared, he cautiously looked up only to find everyone fixated on the stupid television. He took a quick glance around the room, assuming everyone was watching the television. I wasn’t. I was still watching him. I focused on his lips now. Straightaway I could tell that those lips had touched another person and was disappointed. But there was no love on his face. There were no remnants of who had kissed him in his eyes or mouth or soul. He had hidden the memory of them inside of him and that distinctly annoyed me. If people hide things, then they have to actually look to find them. It’s okay if you lose them, or misplace them, or put them somewhere else, you can still stumble across them.

Just like your first kiss. If it was a good memory, don’t try and hide it somewhere – just put it somewhere. If you hide it, you’ll never just stumble across it. But, if you forget it or misplace it, you never know when it might come back. You never know when it’ll pop up in your subconscious and give you a nice surprise. But if it’s a bad kiss, you try to forget and lose the memory so you’ll never stumble across it again. It’s quite sad actually when people forget to lose a memory and are haunted by it for the rest of their lives. But the brain is not just like a filing system, or a big tunnel with two exits saying ‘keep’ or ‘chuck’. You can’t physically file your memories; you don’t actually get to decide which ones you lose for good or which ones you simply misplace. I’m the only one who knows this, so, naturally, I know how to do it. If I’m really bored and Jasper is not here I sort through the week’s memories and file them, but a lot of the time I just let them go, it’s no big deal once you’ve cracked the secret. Though I bet if anyone else did it would be groundbreaking. Imagine being able to lose memories of a tragic childhood incidence or forget all the deaths you’ve witnessed. Think of how much a doctor or an ambulance officer would give to be able to forget things like that.

So, that’s how all memories work. Don’t ask me how I know – I just know. And now you know, so if I hear of a groundbreaking new study about memories I’ll know. I’ll even understand if you don’t credit me. After all, I’m just a teenage kid and that doesn’t give me much credibility, does it?

Back to the new kid. He’s taken up staring at the TV now, instead of his lap. I hated that TV! Doesn’t anyone realise how easily that box kills your brain cells? Annoyed, I ground my teeth together so hard Ben turned around.

“That’s not a good idea now, is it?” he said in his annoyingly calm, orderly way.

I purposely rolled my eyes and ceased the grinding. I didn’t want to be here. I hated TV time. They think that we’re all so interested in who gets voted off American Idol. Who cares? Half of them can’t sing anyway. My money’s on the chick, and I don’t even watch the show. She’s gonna win though, I know it. I shuffled in my armchair so my back is resting against one padded arm and my legs are propped over the other. Another ripple of laughter coursed through the room and I glanced at the television, wondering what was so funny about American Idol. Only, it’s not Idol that on but some crap TV sitcom. Holy shit! Quick! I need something to gouge my eyes out with and deafen myself with before too much of this stupidity seeps into my brain. Somebody must’ve changed the channel because now that I think about it, I don’t recall the sounds of American Idol at all this session. I must be slipping. How could I let such a little observation slip past me? Oh yeah, it was the arrival of that new kid. The one with messy, once-styled black hair. I could still smell the gel he used to use in it. Yeah, of course he’s washed it since he came here, but, like I said, I know stuff. And I know he used to gel his hair.

There is a quiet click but to my ears it is so loud because I have been awaiting it all day. The TV is off! Hallelujah!

“Lunchtime!” said Magda in an overly cheery voice, beaming at us all.

I moaned and purposely take my time unhooking my legs from the arms of the chair. I desperately hoped Ben hadn't decided to wait for me. However, he’s not waiting for me but instead for the new, little, black haired kid who was sitting trying to look as inconspicuous as possible in his armchair. He offered a hand to the kid to pull him out of the chair. The black-haired kid learnt the hard way how difficult it is to extract yourself from the cushions of that particular chair. It swallows you in; sucks your arse in the base of the chair. I chuckled as he gripped the arm and tried to haul himself out.

“Here, let me help. Can I touch your arm?” Ben asked carefully, his hand still extended and quite close to the boys.

The little victim shook his head violently and retracted his hands, terrified, clutching them close into his body, staring up at Ben like he was threatening him. Ben held up his hands hastily, indicating no contest.

I raised an eyebrow to myself and passed Ben on my way to the door. I paused, my back facing the two and shook my head slowly. I turned back around to face them both, smirking.

“What are you smirking at, Gerard?” Ben snapped, watching the kid and looking defeated.

I raised a finger to indicate patience then began to slowly undo the tie around my neck. Slowly, systematically, and carefully I undid it, preferring to reverse every step rather than loosen it. I took it off my neck and dangled it in front of the kid’s chair. He’s watching me with such intense scrutiny I’m quite affronted. If I was mocking him, he would know, and would not have to resort to attempting to read me. He finally decided my intentions were pure, or whatever; he just finally took the loop of the tie I held out to him. In one swift motion I hauled him out onto his feet. He staggered for a bit but I didn’t move to steady him. He didn’t want anyone to touch him. I had to respect that. If he fell and cracked his head, I wouldn’t touch him. If it was against his wishes to be touched, then I wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t that hard to comprehend.

Once out of the chair he was steadily going bright red. I let go of the tie and it fell, slack, in his hands. He bundled it up and held it out to me. I shook my head and made my way to lunch; I was hungry, after all.

Chapter Two

Sooooo... um... comments? Con-crit?

Edit: I realise the tense changes several times from past to presence tense. I've fixed most of what I can but apologise for any further discrepancies.


( 87 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 11th, 2007 06:03 am (UTC)

I lubbs it ^_^_^_^_^_^_^

Aug. 12th, 2007 05:29 am (UTC)

Haha we locked Ben in our 1.5 x 0.5 metre freezer (that's not including shelf space), it's pitch black and negative 20 something degrees. Hahahaha he was pissing himself.

Anywayz thanks for reading Chum!!! =D
(no subject) - jerseydevil1977 - Aug. 12th, 2007 07:16 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shoved2agree - Aug. 12th, 2007 07:19 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - jerseydevil1977 - Aug. 12th, 2007 08:02 am (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 11th, 2007 06:51 am (UTC)
Ohhhh! I like this. I shall add it to my list of fics to keep my eye on! :D
Aug. 11th, 2007 08:50 am (UTC)
Thanks! Joey wrote it weeks ago, but she kept putting off posting it XDD

So I had some convincing to do ^_^
(no subject) - shoved2agree - Aug. 12th, 2007 05:38 am (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 11th, 2007 08:39 am (UTC)
Ooo this is really good. I cant wait to read more...im glad you were threatened into posting lol.
Aug. 11th, 2007 08:53 am (UTC)
Thanks. I should threaten her more often, no?
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Aug. 11th, 2007 08:58 am (UTC)
I am very VERY intrigued my dear. You are naturally talented, I can say that much and you are off to a wonderfully perplexing start.

I do love Gerard's apathetic attitude towards the entire institution, and the way he observes Frank. His observations convey his mental instability. Lurvley.

Do continue, I would very much like to see where this goes!

Aug. 12th, 2007 06:15 am (UTC)
Naturally talented?? Wow, thanks. That's really cool. It makes me feel all nice inside :D

Glad you liked it. I will be continuing and thanks so much for commenting.

His observations convey his mental instability. Lurvley.

I'm so glad you picked that up ^
It means at least someone understood what I was attempting to create.

Aug. 11th, 2007 09:38 am (UTC)
before I leave a proper comment, I'm gonna say this and...you can ignore it if you like because it's stupid and trivial but I'm gonna say it anyway. I know that mcr are American...hence American Idol being the show...but. this is an AU, and I'm assuming you're Australian (since jD is, and the whole mcr in December thingy which I cam't wait for either) so...why not let them be watching Australian Idol? I know this is insginifiacnt and all...but I am so sick of everything having to be American (even if there is a reason for it) but yeah...(btw, this is not a criticism of your writing, your perfectly able to write whatever you write, and I'm probably coming across as a bitch, but this is just the last thing in a string of things that's pushed me over the edge.)
anyway. I'll comment properly now:

I really reall like this. You built up really awesome intrgue, with the whole 'I know things' thing you have going on...Just...andd the this bit, in particular, with the memories thing: It’s quite sad actually when people forget to lose a memory and are haunted by it for the rest of their lives. because it's like paradox that works or something...but it made me think, and it really forces you to accept their thought pattern is really different to yours without, like hitting you over the head and being blunt :D

and the bit with getting him out of the chair...and how he used his tie...that was good. Because you'd expect him to be all. I'm better than you and you're stupid for not wanting to be touched. But his respect of that really makes me more interested to know what's going on with him and how his mind works. and If he fell and cracked his head, I wouldn’t touch him. If it was against his wishes to be touched, then I wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t that hard to comprehend. the way that he says it's not hard to comprehend, even though, for many people it would be extremely hard to figure it out, and to actually do what he asked...

anyway. You have me completely intrigued and wanting more. It's just enough to make me need to know what happens next, and it's extremely well written in that regard, as well as conveying a lot in a very subtle way.

so yeah. and ell done to jD for getting you to post it!! (so you better keep more coming ;D)

x) <3
Aug. 11th, 2007 11:08 am (UTC)
Maybe they ARE in Australia o.O *X-Files theme*

Because, you know. We get American Idol over here, too.

Dude, there so has to be a new type of Idol. I'm sick of all the pop shit. Bobby was the closest we ever got *is sad*

I'm glad you liked it, Joey will be very pleased when she gets back from *singsongs* Subway: Eat Fresh! Because, after cutting up tomatoes all night, I'm sure she'll love your extra-long comment.

And on a completely random note: Thankyou for spelling my name right XDDD The 'j' is lower case, dammit!
(no subject) - jerseydevil1977 - Aug. 11th, 2007 11:08 am (UTC) - Expand
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Aug. 11th, 2007 01:06 pm (UTC)
you got me hooked on the first chapter.
im glad you decided to post it,you shouldnt have been scared to in the first place because your writing is really great.
i just love Gerards thought process.
this story is great.hope to read more soon!
Aug. 12th, 2007 06:57 am (UTC)
Oh, i was so scared to post this because I didn't think anyone would like it. I probably shouldn't have been scared but jD made me scared by telling me stories about the communities lol.

That's so cool that you're hooked. I'm so glad you liked it and thanks for saying my writing is great :DDD

I'll definately try to post more real soon.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting. You made my day XD


Aug. 11th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
Oh, what an amazing and intriguing chapter.
I adore it already.
Very curious how the two boys will bond while dealing with their problems.

Aug. 12th, 2007 07:14 am (UTC)
Wow, you're the fifth or so person to use the word intriguing.

Cool =D

Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I love comments. It really makes my day.

Glad you liked it and I shall post more soon.

Aug. 11th, 2007 02:53 pm (UTC)
Wow! This was an amazing start! I am extremely intrigued as to where you are gonna go with this. It kind of reminded me of the book I'm reading at the moment, even though the book is about shellshock victims after WW1, lol.

I love how Gerard observes and makes his own assumptions and loved that you kept reiterating the fact that he just knew certain things. Plus his respect for what others want and the way he uses his tie so he doesn't have to touch him. That was such a good idea.

I am truly amazed with this fic so far. I can see it being very very good and cannot wait for more :)
Aug. 12th, 2007 07:21 am (UTC)
Oooooo, can you tell me the name and author of that book? I love stories that involve things to do with the mind. The mind is an amazing thing and damaged minds are ten times more interesting.

I'm glad you liked what you read. I tried really hard to make it perfect XD

I'll certainly be posting more soon. Thanks for reading, mate.


(no subject) - alana2x1 - Aug. 12th, 2007 09:46 am (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 11th, 2007 11:21 pm (UTC)
*is intrigued*

Can we expect more very soon?
Aug. 12th, 2007 07:37 am (UTC)

Yep, you can expect more. I'm not sure how soon though...

Sorry ;D

But thanks for reading and commenting. It really makes my day when people comment =D

Aug. 12th, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
i always like that sort of stories and this is a very very interesting beginning
mental illness frankie = LOVE
Aug. 13th, 2007 04:18 am (UTC)
I'm really liking this. ^_^ I was a little confused in the beginning but it was cleared up at the end.
Aug. 13th, 2007 05:16 am (UTC)
See Joey!

I've posted 14(?) chapters of two stories on here, And I think you've beat me in the comment stakes, two times over.

I TOLD you you had nothing to worry about.
Aug. 14th, 2007 06:11 pm (UTC)
Wow, this is pretty darn good.
Jan. 25th, 2009 08:54 pm (UTC)
Woah, this is REALLY good *_*
Jan. 27th, 2009 03:42 am (UTC)
I just read the first part tonight, i'll get the rest done soon. I wanted to let you know I love it and it's nicely done.
Jan. 27th, 2009 03:57 am (UTC)
Thank you so much :)
Jul. 16th, 2009 10:39 pm (UTC)
I've got some con-crit for you: YOU ARE AWESOME! How's that? OMG, I'm so excited about this fic.
Oct. 29th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC)
This is actually the first MCR fic I've read. Really liked it. You have a great writing style. :)
Oct. 31st, 2009 07:36 am (UTC)
Wow, i'm so glad to pop your MCR fic cherry ;)

Thanks for reading :D
Apr. 19th, 2011 04:08 pm (UTC)
Um um um ..
Jan. 4th, 2012 12:34 am (UTC)
My gosh, I really love the story, I'm so late with it, I'm like reading it over and over again. So interesting. I love it. You have a real talent in writing it. :)
Jan. 8th, 2012 08:14 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it!
May. 25th, 2012 09:22 pm (UTC)
I love the tie idea.
May. 27th, 2012 12:08 am (UTC)
I'm glad!
Sep. 9th, 2012 06:29 pm (UTC)
Puzzlement over a tie.
Hi! :) I know this comment is really late but I'm after reading the first chapter and I find the fan fic to be captivating. I love how the theme is based around insanity as it is an extremely interesting topic. It is excellently written. I do however have one concern. How does he (Gerard)have a tie when he's in a mental institution? They are on "The patients are not allowed..." list along with items such as razors for obvious reasons. I know this is minor and a lot of people probably wouldn't notice but I did. I hope I didn't sound petty. I absolutely adore this story and cannot wait to read more. :)
P.S: I saw that on on your current music you said "LotR theme music". LOTR is amazing!
P.P.S: Since you said you are interested in the subject of insanity and the human brain you should listen to (if you have not already) a musician called Emilie Autumn. She is renowned for her insanity and her music tends to circle that theme and unpleasant events that occurred in her life.
Sep. 10th, 2012 09:00 am (UTC)
Re: Puzzlement over a tie.
Hi, you're exactly right! It was a discrepancy and something I wasn't aware of when I wrote the chapter back in 2007 and i've not been bothered to change it since. It is fiction after all :)

Thank you for your lovely comment and your question wasn't petty at all, i've often debated the detail myself!! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the rest! :D xx
Mar. 4th, 2013 05:17 am (UTC)
I know you're on hiatus....
I know you're on hiatus, but I think that you should publish this story on Amazon, so I can download it on my Kindle! Pleeeeease!!!!
May. 2nd, 2013 05:45 pm (UTC)
so you know how smells can remind you of things? so the other day i bought a new candle at the store and yesterday i started burning it in my bedroom. shortly afterwards i sat down to start reading A Splitting of the Mind and ended up reading chapter after chapter for like two strait hours while the candle burned the whole time. what i learned this morning after going to sleep last night is that aformentioned candle was extremely strong in scent and now my whole room is filled with a smell that my brain directly connects to this fic that is so sad. now i said my room was filled with the smell, but what really happened was that everything in my room soaked up the smell. so now all of my clothes, my bedding, my carpet, the very hair on my head literally smells like this fic to me. so yeah, i am now a walking cacoon of sadness because my brain is filled with thoughts of this amazing but teribly depressing work of fanfiction.
Sep. 21st, 2016 09:13 pm (UTC)
I'm going to regret doing this
( 87 comments — Leave a comment )